Category: Life

Life is a parent category to me, it can contain almost anything that is concerned with life on this planet: plant, animal, human…

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Tolerance – or: Accept the Other by Looking Beyond the Image

When we work or live together, everyday life can be made difficult by disagreements, arguments or even serious quarrels, with misunderstandings at the bottom of them, very often.
What can help to solve this all-to-common occurrence? How can we get past petty arguments and self-righteousness to allow for a broader view and deeper understanding?

Listen to Your Peers

This sounds like easy advice but it isn’t. In everyday life, we are busy and these days internet and digital devices are everywhere. With work, family and friends demanding our full attention most of any day, it can get difficult to really listen; pay attention to what is being said, and what a person may even not say, but what is still there.

Identify Guilt and Get It Over With

Why should we identify it – or even assume it’s there?
In most countries and cultures around the globe the expected conduct, behaviour and rules of the community are strict, especially when listened to closely. Some more than others. But this strictness, these rules, between people, between parents and children, between lovers, between husband and wife, between friends – lead to easy and repeatedly felt emotions of guilt in the sense: “I did not follow the rule. I behaved or acted inadequately. Or seem to have. That is bad.”
After such, often not completely conscious thoughts, the next step in such chains of thought is:
“I have to prove myself. I have to contradict the other person, to make clear that I am good.”
With this the defensiveness sets in, anger enters the conversation, and mutual accusations of what the other person got wrong, will follow.

How can that be got over?

It cannot completely, because we are human beings and we live in this world and have been raised to certain standards and beliefs.
It can be relieved, though.
Because if we are ready to see the whole picture, we may teach ourselves and thus our surroundings, forgiveness.
Based on the realization, that we all at times have differing needs, even in the same family, not to say across cultures. That this difference of need and emotion can lead to excitement and even anger – and we are still good at heart!
Because, just as much as we are trying to do our best and occasionally fail – so do the others.

Look Beyond the Image

What image? And why look beyond one?
Culture, education, upbringing and history of our respective countries shape our idea of the world, of what is acceptable behaviour, what is not.
Women and men are usually supposed and expected to act or behave or talk in a certain manner. If that manner is markedly different from our expectations, we start wondering, why and how – and very often jump to conclusions based on what we learned so far.
That is the image: what we have learned, what we expect, and what these presuppositions actually let us see – or miss.

So, in this sense, looking beyond the image means: realize what the values are that you learned, which of them you actually live by – and what could be different, in the other person.

Accept the ‘Other’ as such – different, not better, not worse, just different, in most cases. And, sometimes the most difficult task of all: accept yourself!

Tolerance

With this comes tolerance:
A wonderful word, to my mind, it encompasses the concept of allowing for variety – of being open-minded, and accepting that not everyone is the same as we are, at least in detail, and that this fact is – and thus the other person is – welcome.

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The Acorn, the Oak-tree and (Young) Ladies’ Self-confidence

This short video is another example of the TEDx series of talks that I like to share. And it could be for you, if

  • you are a young lady between 17-24 and want to learn or be reminded of what can be important to remember for a life.
  • you are a lady of more advanced years and had temporarily forgotten all about it…
  • you are a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, granddad…or… to find out about what it makes sense to teach young ladies – and why.

The ideas expressed are generalizations to some extent, as is customary for a short talk. For individual human beings and situations we always should look more closely to be as just as we possibly can.
But these ideas provide excellent pointers!
Emotional well-being and self-confidence are essential ingredients for a day – and a lifetime.
So, enjoy, everyone out there, who come by – and like this, too.

(Young) gentlemen, although in this day and age, in many regions of the world it seems too self-evident: you are oak-trees, too!
(Young) ladies, remember: you are an oak-tree already!

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The Church, Crime, Creation and the Freedom of Choice

The recent years brought to light something that is as disturbing and dreadful as it is tragic for many people: the Catholic church unearths more and more details about abuse that has been going on behind its walls at least for decades, if not much longer.

So far it seems, bringing to light and the first apologies by bishops and the Pope himself have been first steps to acknowledge what in fact is criminal behaviour in a religious body.

It could make people, who attribute a value to that faith as well as that particular belief, despair, of the church as well as religion or even life.

One is tempted to ask, why do we need a church at all? Or a religion, for that matter?
I think, Erich Fromm was right in stating that religion is an expression of the yearning for transcendence in man (and woman). Transcendence of life and the sometimes hard to explain pain and suffering we see every day.

I have been a Christian in my time – and in some ways where people grow up and are raised, the respective history and prominent religious orientation of a society are important for mind and thinking – the frame of mind of a human being.

In this context modern Christians could be tempted to despair because the message in the later part of the bible, the gospel is focused on neighbourly love. On goodness and on God’s grace for all that have sinned on the day of resurrection.

This made Dostoevsky in one of his great novels, “The Brothers Karamazov” ask, how it could be that a gracious and judicious God could allow suffering, and especially the suffering of innocent children.

To me, one of the most wonderful answers to this almost eternal question has been given by John Steinbeck in “East of Eden”. The main character one day realizes that his faithful Chinese servant of many years is not only highly educated but a scholar. His servant tells him that after studying the bible in its common English translation and the Hebrew original, and especially the chapter Genesis, whose interpretation modern Western society is based on to a great extent, he found one sentence particularly striking and its interpretation crucial to what was going on in a great part of mankind.
‘Thou shalt go forward into the world and rule it and subdue it…’

Quoting Steinbeck’s text from memory at this point: he goes on to say that after years of study, he found the verb ‘shalt’ had been wrongly translated from the Hebrew and instead of ‘shalt’ it should be ‘mayest’.
From this would come the realization, that God hadn’t just entrusted his creation to mankind in a sense of commandeering action and correcting human errors himself where necessary.

Rather, the term ‘mayest’ encompasses the idea, that – human beings are also entrusted with choice – the choice between good and evil – every day.

To me this is the most important answer to any wrongs, crimes, pain, cruelty and suffering we may observe or go through: there is always some choice a human being can make, in any situation.

Many people due to this special context grow up in the firm and mistaken belief that someone else is responsible for their deeds, be they good or bad.
They feel and behave even as grown-ups not much differently from childhood: a little ashamed now and again they still think, breaking the rules cannot be too bad, if no one finds out – or no one complains.

This idea of choice is also the idea of personal freedom in this sense: ultimately any choice we make, is ours. Whatever way we decide.

It is responsibility, for creation, for our neighbour, for ourselves.

Freedom of Choice.

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The Beauty and the Beast – or: The Idea of Loveliness and the Adored Woman Divine

In former times the idea existed of what an adorable woman should be like, I have to some extent already mentioned this before: she was to be slender, graceful, mild and smiling. Aloof from the ‘pit of worries and ugliness’ of this world, basically angelic.

The concept of adoration carries with it the idea of the pedestal, the aloofness, even distance and other-worldliness that is sung to in many songs and poems of the time when the idea of ‘courtly love’, the ‘Minnesang’ or ‘Minnedienst’ (German) was in full swing. Knights were sworn to such a service to a lady, they often chose one themselves that was a picture of virtue and aloofness. More rituals are associated with this service: the glove of the adored woman the knight was to carry around always, or a lock or a special piece of cloth, often embroidered by herself as a sign that all his deeds were dedicated to her, in war, in life and in death.

This romantic love created a mist, a blur of what we today still find in everyday infatuation. It calls an emotion ‘love’ that is based on a fairy story, an illusion about the perfection of a human being. Where the outer appearance is at least as important as the alleged virtues.

Actually, the image gets even more blurry and confusing by the fact that the ‘inner and outer beauty’ are exchanged for each other. The looks are taken for the person. Thus the emotion called ‘love’ based on this idea rather than person, is a picture – painted perhaps with great artistry – but still only containing part of the truth.

Truth: the concept of truth to me also is contained in these images, but it is more. It is what you find when you look closely, without prejudice. When you are not afraid of some time sordidness or disillusion and still are able to see the whole picture.
In Persian there is a saying: “the truth is bitter”. And that can be true too.
Ayurveda just equals truth with life.

I have found in the course of my life that truth, reality, as difficult to bear sometimes as it is, in cases of cruelty and torture in war or politics or crime – makes for ultimately a safer kind of life. And a more interesting and diverse one. Because our ideas and our perception are based on facts, not surmises, therefore sound. Because all the little details we can know about friends or family – or the loved one – will make us appreciate them for what they are: human beings.

The concept of knowledge, recognition, is to be found here too: in an almost biblical sense, to ‘recognize’, to really know and still like and love. Therefore I rather won’t have anyone adore me for what I look like. ‘Adore’ me, at all. Because for me that’s not real, ultimately doomed, because it will end the day the veil is lifted, the illusion destroyed.

So I for one, would rather not be adored by but well known to a man of my heart.

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Privacy, Cameras, the Smartphone – and the Castle

I have often wondered, if smartphones are so smart after all… And as many others have concluded, I did too: it depends.

I have met with a lot of different people throughout a diverse and long working life. There are some who are so bent on finding out about what people are like or how they live that they don’t mind invading their privacy – no matter how, when or with what.

In some ways it’s rather pitiful to watch them sitting at their computers, mobile phones or even the good old telescope, eagerly and sometimes shamefully craning necks, hacking connections and what not – just to catch a glimpse – of what?

Of people who live a life they believe to be – private.
There are those kinds that like to expose themselves, mildly put, who crave attention – or just want or need to make money.
Some do both.
So, if people for reasons of their own allow watchers ‘in’ – that’s their prerogative.

For me, my privacy is sacred. I need a haven, as it were, my home, my space, where I can be completely relaxed and feel safe, because I am. Undisturbed. No one trying to get in or get close, especially not without my permission!

I sometimes invite very good friends and of course family to spend time with me, cook together, talk, share books or movies, and the like.
But everyone else will come in only after negotiations – or because they have a job to do, like cleaning the drains or painting the window frames. They will be admitted with proper previous notice and an appointment.
A smartphone is like a home, in a literally ‘small way’.

People who do not respect my privacy are basically close to committing a criminal act. Indeed, in law it is considered to be just that: entering someone’s home without permission is called by the nice term ‘Hausfriedensbruch’ in German, which means something like ‘breaking the peace of the home‘. In English it’s trespassing and it is just as punishable as it is in German, laws exist to that effect.
Even more so: dictatorships always have been characterized among other things by this lack of respect for privacy, the ‘peace of the home’ being no right anymore. It is also recognized by the Human Rights declaration: the ‘Right to privacy’!

So, if anyone should be among my readers who felt doubtful about this, try imagining what you would feel about someone coming in the door of your home, just like that, unwanted, uninvited, without further notice, watching you, taking pictures, and perhaps even rifling through your papers.

Otherwise, thanks, will let you know if I am prepared to invite you for dinner!
Because: my home is my castle.

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Would You Be a Lady? – Corsets, Crossed Legs, Cinderella, and the Bad Back

For centuries in many parts of Europe a very distinct idea of the true lady existed: she was never loud, never obtrusive, never swore, did not know the words to describe the bodily functions and if even a hint of the juicier sides of life was made in a conversation she would faint.

This changed in the course of centuries since the advent of the civil society, when first the equality of men was declared and later on the freedom of men, women and even slaves was proclaimed. Step by step the enlightenment and women’s lib movement acquired a foothold in thoughts, ideas and finally in law: even in the late 18th century, when the French revolution started a whole volley of changes, equal rights for all men and freedom for serfs, women were not even considered, much less covered by such laws.
As had been custom since ancient Greece and Rome, the law considered ‘man’ to be free and have the right to vote. ‘Man’ did not mean ‘human being’, but literally the male grown-up of the society. The eldest sons not even of age were often put to ‘look after’ the woman and younger children of the house, when the father (‘pater familias’) was away.

Women were considered to be weak, a lady was something like a hothouse plant, to be kept under wraps, to be protected and hatched and not to be spoken roughly to. On the other hand she also was considered to be less smart than a man, practically dumb, less able to conduct business or study the serious subjects, such as high literature, medicine or law.

During the nineteenth century it became even more pointed when a ‘writing woman’ was likened to a ‘monster’, in so many words, in articles of special ladies’ magazines, books for housekeeping and instructions on how to properly behave as a lady.

Into the 1950s, the seminars and classes for young women were well known in Germany, to instruct the bride-to-be in how to take care of the man, cook, clean the house and dress, the so-called ‘Bräuteschule’. Down to the crossing of legs, the conversation considered suitable and the poise of the head, the shoulders, how to hold cup and saucer, knife and fork. The most cruel expression of this idea can be found in the German version of the fairy story of ‘Cinderella’: two of the daughters are encouraged to cut off their heel or toe to fit her feet into the shoes for the dance – to ultimately ‘catch’ the prince.

All this made for another kind of corset: the strict rules thus creating a restricted range of body movements caused numerous problems for health and well-being. Among them reduced blood circulation especially in neck and shoulders, legs and lower back.

Today we are lucky that in some parts of the world this has been realized and also leads to a potentially more relaxed expression of emotions and thoughts.
I still think an evening dress worn to a ball and the grace of a dancing woman is fine to look at, and feel – but personally I enjoy it so much more, when dress and shoes ‘fit me’ – not vice versa.

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Human Rights, Extremists and Rudyard Kipling – Can the ‘Twain’ Ever Meet?

Rudyard Kipling in his poem ‘The Ballad of East and West’ put it in his famous phrase: ‘East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet.’
His idea was that the differences were too great to ever be fully reconcilable. The term reconcilable in turn stems from ‘reconciliation’, something two or more parties at war would do…

These modern times see the discussion going on just as forcefully, opinionated and to some extent just as wrongly prejudiced as Kipling was. He also was the poet laureate who coined the phrase of the ‘white man’s burden’. It’s another way of saying that ‘the West’ actually has an obligation and a duty to go elsewhere into the world and teach ‘them’ there what life should be like and how to think and feel.

The prejudice this idea is based on of course means: here (in Europe, the West, US) ‘we’ know all about it, are always right and could not accept another point of view because the truth is to be found here.

The ‘devil’ in such ideas lies in two things:

  • That there exists one real truth only.
  • That there are whole countries or regions filled with tribes or people who have to be taught what is right. In former times: to be religiously converted in a ‘mission’.

This is actually the same principle ‘the other side’ employs when influencing simpler minds into attacking and killing people, or go to war.
The propaganda for centuries has been the same:
Find an image in the ‘other’ that is harmful, problematic or even dangerous, paste it up, make it look shiny and ‘red’, present ‘the enemy’ in the most gruesome colours and then take up the weapons and march.

A very simple and core argument today is in judging Islamic terrorists by the fact that allegedly ‘they’ have the fierceness written into their religion, namely the Koran contains suras that explicitly ask its followers to go to war or kill. Although this is true – here comes the interesting and even more simple fact:
Terrorism sanctioned by the government is called just – war.

More importantly, if we take the human rights act and lay it beside the allegedly worthy, because peaceful bible, that is taken as proof that the West is worthier still, we may be astonished: the bible has many parts in it that are just as fierce, ‘bloody’ and dangerous to simple minds than any possible counterpart in the Koran. I just like to bring up the ‘eye for an eye’ phrase as an example.

If you want to understand and truthfully judge, how people think and live in a majority of a culture, you do not just take up their religious book and make an equation.

You start to understand this:

  • Living, breathing and caring people are all around the world. They very often have very similar dreams about a peaceful life that contain love and reasonable wealth.
  • The propaganda is the same – in basic fact – around the world, in words as well as in deeds. Using simple concepts and even simpler wording to ‘drive people crazy’ – and into torture or killing.
  • Putting your own view of the world ‘up there’ as the only truth that has value and should be adhered to, namely be self-righteous, is the starting point of any narrow-mindedness and ultimately may lead to war just as easily.

If we want to really change the world, let’s start at our own door: open it to let different point-of-views in and thus different kinds of people from around the globe and try and understand, that many things can be differentiated and sometimes difficult – but they are certain to be exciting and fruitful, not to say beneficial too. Because variety is what makes life colourful!

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Sun, Rain, Weather, Water – and a Little Lightness of Being

In many European countries for some time now sun is being considered to be a feature, even rather special or valuable. Sunny days are called ‘good weather’, rainy or cloudy days are ‘bad weather’. And some people think it necessary to even brag about the fact that they have the means and opportunity to travel into (more) sunny regions than the ones they live in.

In other parts of the world, the sun is a very dubious luxury. You need so much water or liquids to drink in order to stay healthy. Not even the recommended 1,5 l per day are available there. People would perhaps like to make themselves a tea or coffee. Or have a nice soup for a cold. Apart from cooking other kinds of food! Or keeping clean – clothes, the house – themselves!

The sun in those parts can be damnable or at least unwelcome.

The movie ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ has a number of very graphic scenes shot in the desert, with appropriate soundtrack, that make abundantly clear, what it can mean to be victim to a grim climate involving a lot of sun.

Although the desert has always had a fascination for many Europeans, partly because it is so different, next time the weather turns bad over here, think again, perhaps. I remember a visitor of ours, who came from the Near East ‘only’, with enough water for everyday use, vividly, to this day, over 25 years ago, when she visited Germany for the first time. Driving with us through half of it, you might say, from Frankfurt/Main to the South of Germany, she was amazed at how green everything was! Over and over she repeated, ‘look at this countryside, so much green, so many trees, so many pastures – incredible!’

So, next time in these parts, before you complain about the weather turning ‘bad’ – perhaps you could instead think of what it would be like if you came from some part in the world where water is scarce, like the big deserts in Africa (I yet have to see personally). Where you often have not enough water even to wash yourself, much less, to cook – or just drink whatever you like, as much as you like, anytime. And you may come to appreciate tap water again: it’s the best controlled water in the middle of Europe and can be drunk from the tap without any further ado…

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Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn Revisited – The Modern Craze for Calm Kids

children playing

In the times I grew up in (I was a kid in the seventies in Europe) there was a distinct trend for raising children differently: the recently weathered storm of Nazism and fundamentalism together with the most atrocious crimes against mankind called forth a very determined frame of mind to never let it happen again. The root causes were being analysed in earnest shortly after WW II across the globe and especially in Germany starting with the late fifties, when a new generation claimed the silence of their parents to be broken.

The reasons for such atrociousness as the Third-Reich of the Nazis and their followers caused have been defined since then: the servant’s, even devotee’s frame of mind people had been raised in in many parts of Europe that basically stated authority should be listened to and followed at all times at all costs, together with a long history of Anti-Semitism.

The new young generation in the sixties and seventies, among others picking up Alexander S. Neill’s ideas set forth in his school in England, Summerhill, in turn created the idea of a children’s education which is free of adult authority.
His ideas since have found a world-wide reception and response. Many sources cite him as the most influential educationalist of the 20th century.

I won’t recite or summarize his work, but I am worried and even feel repulsed by a (not-so)-new counter tendency that can be found throughout recent movies, documentaries and articles: to basically diagnose every second or third child with the so-called ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and then – recommend or even prescribe medication to quieten them!
A recent review of a not very important little comedy movie featuring primary-school children in prominent roles even went so far as to recommend such treatment for one of the main characters – an about seven year-old boy who obviously was a little too young to not play around an office!

The reasons for this tendency seem clear to me and are really frightening to me, as they seem to point into the same direction as the ideas that had been prevailing at least since the nineteenth century: let children be quiet and calm at all times so parents are not disturbed too much and also would not have to attend to them too much…

In other cultures than the Western children and their special needs and care for them are viewed differently. One would not easily find a parent in the Middle East asking a small child to always be quiet – or even medicate them.

There are certainly cases of children who need more than the average attention, but why? Because someone (the parents or family or teachers) didn’t do their ‘job’ properly!

Children and adults alike need attention, in the case of grown-ups it’s called appreciation and ‘suddenly’ is a good thing. So, parents that are unable for reasons most likely based in their own childhood to pay attention to their own children, will probably raise children suffering from that kind of attention deficit, where the term actually says it (almost) all!

Apart from a proper loving attention and care that includes drawing the line now and again, children should be able to draw attention to themselves and they also should be allowed to play and develop slowly into grown-ups, as nature intended.
No adult can always stay calm without medication, not to say drugs. A child that is ‘drugged’ into calmness at an early age will most likely become a drug-abusing adult instead of a healthy and occasionally loud human being!

So, parents, theorists and teachers, think again: would you want to have Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn around today – and what medication would they have to take….?

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The Darker Side of Love – Men, Women, Appreciation and Violence

Sex can be life-affirming I posted recently, and I still think it’s true. Yet, there’s a darker side to sex, the bodily love, that has been gauged in recent months, especially in the US. Although a lot needs to be said about those that manipulate and are out for money from celebrities, yet the fact remains that violence, especially sexual violence in patriarchal societies, has been too often and too long trivialised. In some ways we are lucky in this day and age that because of the feminist movement especially in the course of the past two centuries a new awareness and a better realization of the problem has been created.
Judges and juries these days are less likely to play down the grave actions of abuse or even rape that have and are being committed every day.

Mentally Sick

The most common reasons in many cases also have been determined. In cases of downright mentally sick or disturbed offenders they have been shut away and some effort is made to cure them.
But there’s the grey area of those that seem neither sick nor disturbed nor raised in the wrong surroundings or state of mind.
Still, the more prominent as well as ‘lesser cases’ – as regards media attention – are known to exist: respectable men, professional, successful, family all complete, are being found out after years to have been involved in numerous cases of shady or downright criminal offenses against women.

Why, one wonders over and over again, why does this happen?

The Sane Male and Root Causes

To my mind several reasons are at the root of this phenomenon and this is even not the first time they are being identified:

  • In patriarchal society the man is supposed to take the ‘reigning position’. Always alert, always superior, always there to safe the weaker members of society, women, children and the elderly, as it were.
  • Additionally, more commonly realized and also more often publicly stated from inside the feminist movement, the sexual role a man has to play in theory in patriarchal societies is that of the conqueror: representing the strong and almost animal-like quality of round-the-clock seducer image.
  • A very basic principle of human needs is that of appreciation: at the root of many of man’s initiatives, actions, drive or motivations is the need to be appreciated, or noticed. Work as well as private life are determined to a great extent by this need. With it comes the feeling of being strong, sufficient and in the right place among one’s fellow beings.

Appreciation – The Basic Human Need

To me this need for appreciation, which has more often gone too unnoticed, is the root to more problems than just the subject of this post. But appreciation as a man, to repeat,  in patriarchal societies most often, depends on the image being fulfilled: the seducer and superior being, the reigning head of the herd, the lion.
After the principle of the successful and rich existence has been realized, there remains the seducer: ‘women swoon’ nicely describes the expectation connected with this image.
And not only does the respective ‘male’ feel strong and confident because he ‘did his duty’, as it were. In addition a great number of surrounding fellows or pals will admire him for it, even if envious at the same time. Because he ‘got it’, rather ‘them’. Them, meaning women.

What often goes unnoticed also, are two other basic human phenomena, which make understanding part of these occurrences easier: men as well as women after reaching adulthood will never feel the same as in childhood again. The constant feeling of being perhaps not ‘up to par’ as regards expectations of the society around one’s self is ever present.
What fewer humans realize though, yet would be so important for more of them to lead more productive and satisfying lives:
It is human to feel like that. And to try and use different ways and means to overcome this by quenching the emotion is common – but not helpful.

The Seducing Game

One of the methods very commonly used by men to feel ‘right’, secure, ‘up to par’ is fulfilling this role of seducer, the veritable Casanova: it seems the more insecure someone feels, the higher the rate of women he needs to fill the basic void.

Inexperienced, frightened or just ambitious women especially at a younger age can easily fall victim to this kind of often schematised seducing game.
Because, the modern Casanova so often isn’t a bad guy on the surface, or even at lots of his heart. He’s got charming manners, especially towards women. He’s the perfect pal for all around. He can create the atmosphere and impression that he appreciates each woman in her own and very special right, even treats her as if she was the revelation of his life and the one goal he had been aiming at. He’s not even ruthless or inconsiderate in everyday life. That makes him so difficult to spot, especially with less experience in these matters or people in general.

Go Public

A very important point to be made in this context: making things public can be crucial. Too often women are even blamed for ‘falling for the guy’. And too often they blame themselves, which is the worst side to all of this. The ideas range over ‘they should have known better, be more prudent, be more aware’, and so on. That is the ‘devil’ of it, of the game and the underlying human condition: the need for feeling close, the need for passion – and appreciation. So men and women alike should stop blaming the victims, in whatever shape or form the deed is done.

But to stop the game and its tools it doesn’t suffice just to recognize and avoid the wielders. An effective way to prevent the worst things in life, such as other kinds of crime, is to educate, to make aware and – raise our children differently. Which means that women as well as men learn to understand, what life is really all about. How passion can be integrated into a loving and caring relationship on an equal footing, where no man and no woman is to be expected to be ‘super’ in any way – especially seducing.

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