“Dark yellow? Orange?” Words matter. Images in the mind are directly connected with them. That makes them so powerful. And so difficult to control:
Because that’s what can happen: People talk apparently about the same thing but it is only partly the same – as in ‘dark yellow’ or ‘orange’. You cannot always know what others understand of your words, your speech, or your message.
Equally difficult can be to really know what others might mean, even though you seem to be using the same words. Why that happens? Because we all grow up and make experiences in certain cultures and surroundings.
That way the associations, the images, that crop up in our individual minds can be different – even if slightly.
At times they can make understanding each other challenging, at least.
Of course, there’s the situation that people are well-meaning but make more of their own skills or their expertise than is actually true. And others even expect it from them. In interviews for job applications, for example.
When you then meet the exception from the rule, it can make it even more challenging and also interesting: To expect someone to be ‘telling tall tales’ and then find out that they hadn’t…
In former times it seemed to be a matter of course to talk about the ‘silent majority’. And it also seemed to be debatable: Did it exist?
These days we know: It does!
The statistics you get from business departments such as support, online and offline, confirm:
For any person letting a company, an organization, or platform know about their issues or problems or worries, there are around 100 silent ones who do not speak up. Some are too lazy. Some are too busy. Some are just too self-conscious, don’t dare to draw attention to themselves.
Whatever the reasons may be: I also know from actual experience how often people in everyday life underestimate the universal facts of human life:
Emotions, feelings, worries and also joy so often are felt very similarly. Yet, very often also people don’t know about that and therefore feel disconnected.
Sharing helps: Experience, emotions, and thoughts. And my blog is one place where I like to share for exactly that reason. To help and to spread perhaps a (little) light of understanding.
‘Social media’ have their limitations and their uses. I use them with care – but I also know what I do not need. I can only share with any of my readers who are wondering: Make sure you ‘turn them off’ regularly, too.
Just as in former times people were wondering about being ‘in’, about ‘belonging’, so can social media these days create the impression that some things are crucial and should and have to be followed in order to be up-to-date.
That is NOT the case!
At some point you will – especially if yet young – come to realize that not ‘every thing’ is worth your while – nor ‘every body’.
Yes, the downside can be that there are people who use these channels just as they would ‘real life meetings’: To bother and torture others they find irritating.
Because that is what bullies do: They try to ‘remove’ the concept, the idea of life that seems to call their own into question.
And there are those that just have to be right, because being wrong is not contained in their own image of themselves. Almost sad really: They usually grow up believing that making mistakes is basically some sort of ‘sin’.
The thing that must not be.
I personally like to deal with social media a little like a tool that can be sharp and should be handled with care and laid down when not necessary anymore.
I like to observe a certain way of being respectful and polite.
But I also know that just as in real life there are all kinds of people around.
But I do not like to be around any kind of people… neither online, nor offline. I stick to my values and aim at spending quality time only with people of like mind.
My father put it rather graphically this way, in regard to judging the majority’s beliefs:
“If a million flies sit on excrement – do you have to sit there too?”
Most of us past teenage years have seen and experienced misunderstandings. Some can be tragic, some can seem funny even, looking back, some are funny – and some are rather mundane, really.
What can make it difficult can be situations such as the following, a nice example I came across the other day, paraphrased here:
A group of people were scheduled for a training of communication. Everybody arrived in time, wore casual clothing as per agenda and was quite relaxed, chatting and waiting for the training to begin. A little while into the day’s itinerary, a young man who everybody had been wondering about, arrived far too late. He was very quiet, wore a business suit that obviously had been expensive and showed a rather withdrawn behaviour.
The group decided that he seemed rather arrogant and they felt annoyed and treated with a lack of basic politeness.
It took a while to find out that he had been to a funeral, unexpectedly and of a close person and barely had found time to arrive at all…
This little anecdote makes it clear nicely how easily unrelated events can be made into a chain of misunderstanding.
Keeping an open mind and realizing that our interpretations can be wrong in spite of appearances can be the first step towards real understanding.
I have posted about wars. This is about the smaller ones in everyday life. We can make an issue out of every little thing. Sometimes, people will misunderstand it if we don’t. I had to fight a lot in the course of my life. I learned one thing for sure:
Many things can become big, even huge in the eyes of the world ‒ or our own ‒ if we make them that. Fighting is proven to ‘take it out of you’: You can become angry, even furious once you have chosen the issue. You start an argument, perhaps. Things even may escalate into a full-blown conflict that rages for years.
And for what, really? So often we will come to realize that a lot of things are not worth the energy, because:
Fighting saps one’s strength.
I am not talking about becoming angry ‒ and letting off steam. That’s important in a healthy way and done safely in order to not hurt others.
But fighting?
Fighting takes it out of you, the effects can become really dangerous to our system. Because, the way we deal with anger or even frustration is something we can learn ‒ and manage. So much in life depends on how we look at it. Strong emotions are part of our mindset ‒ that is also: part of how we evaluate what happens to us.
The first flush of anger may be involuntary ‒ but after that, it’s a choice. To save health and nerves and keep frustration at bay.
Because, also, so often looking back, we may regret unnecessary fights, especially with people we like or love.
That’s why I make it a point in my life ‒ and a plea here for all who are wondering: Pick your battles. The next one may be really worth it.
Author’s Note:
I write about such things because I learned early in life how easily we all tend to make our life difficult or even hurt the other’s feelings without meaning to. Misunderstandings too, are easy. I have a strong background in workplace psychology, among many other fields of interest, be that history, philosophy ‒ or politics. I also have come across many misjudgements in life ‒ in private life or in business. Enlightenment is a philosophical approach and subject ‒ to me it is essential to understand ‒ and make understood.
Whoever told us that life is either wonderful harmony – or we will have war? In the sense that you cannot have it both ways?
Da…n and blast to all who believe it! Is it that male (patriarchal) idea that you have to have predominance and prove ‘strong’ by shouting at people a lot? Because that way you establish ‘authority’?
Maybe. But war is not a question of gyms and some old-fashioned training ideas!
The civil society brought an even more wide-spread understanding of responsibility and the preference for peace and calm that let us thrive for a good life and good relations in peace.
Conflicts are a natural part of human life – always were, always have been.
(Cruel) arguments or wars are not ‘natural’.
They are the consequence of a mindset that values predominance and ‘first place’ the most. To force your opinion or your preferences on people is – according to that idea – a sign of strength and power.
BUT – and this is one of those BIG BUTS – it is a question of perspective:
Because anything that causes pain and suffering to many people – and additionally over a long period of time – is not a good thing! Period.
There are many ways out of conflict, some are short, because the conflict is small.
Some ways are long, because the conflict is large.
But whatever it is, if we respect the fundamental human rights we will do all the negotiating it takes, even if years, to avoid pain and suffering. Full stop.
“My way – or the highway?” In many parts of the world we can see people believing that there is only one way – or another. That other people or their behaviour or their ideas are one of two things: Black or White. A duality concept.
In truth, life and situations and people are colourful, like a kaleidoscope. Sometimes, when you are full of emotion, such as anger, wrath or a loving passion, the emotion has no ‘colour’ in the mind — it’s more of a temperature, perhaps, rather cold, or rather hot… and if you would start thinking and getting to know yourself or your emotion(s) better you would find out more details – and start finding words for them.
To think that there are only two sides to a coin is a rather narrow concept. You wil miss out on all the other possibilities – or colours.
Sometimes, when we are very sure that only one way or solution is right — at least for us — we tend to judge harshly.
That way we will overlook all the other — even beautiful — colours, in a situation, a solution to a problem — or a character.
Even peace or peaceful coexistence become easier to find, if we allow for alternatives, see the ‘other colours’, the full picture.
The big idea.
And should you wonder if that was too much bother — you may want to think again: Is peace really so much more difficult, than war — or conflict? And when was it written that the good or the better things always are easy…?
Image creative commons license via Ecosia filtered search
“But he’s lying, it’s so obvious!” Apparently a group of deaf-mutes signed that when watching an interview of the then president of the United States Bill Clinton who had been publicly accused of having an affair with a visiting girl at the White House.
Body language:
The most powerful tool we have – and use so often unbeknownst to ourselves. Some numbers say that we communicate over 70-80% of all social exchanges through our bodies.
The world is full of languages, over 7000 are said to exist.
Apart from knowing with our hearts, learning this powerful way of expressing emotions and thoughts could be helpful.
It’s not easy, because culturally dependent. Yet, for more peace and mutual understanding – this could be one way.
Gladiator in ancient Rome fighting lion – Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons, public domain
My father was apt to express his opinions rather drastically at times. One of them was:
“If 1 million flies sit on sh…t – you have to sit there too?”
Both our parents always encouraged, even urged us to look behind images and the mere surface. Don’t be satisfied with the second best, too.
I learned at an early age that in philosophy there exists the subject of ‘epistemology’:
It states basically that humans will best understand based on previous lessons. So, if you have learned about some types of people, your own family and friends, major contacts and their ideas, you will be best at recognizing those in others, again. But more ideas and very different outlooks will be hard to grasp – or stay invisible.
There is the idea of competition: It‘s a major concept in capitalism; originally stemming from mercantile surroundings it has invaded our whole lives with that idea of constant competition, at least where it took over earlier modes of thought and evaluating people:
What is best, is determined based on the majority – or the perceived majority – of high numbers. Since high numbers promise profit.
For some reason people started to confuse the high numbers, the majority, with quality: As if adhering to fashionable, even if only apparently, fashionable ideas and appearances would make you finer automatically…
Well, depending on one‘s own measurements, the yardstick, or aspirations, one might think that high profit is good, therefore high numbers are.
But history also has shown and actual events still show that for one thing, those screaming loudest are not always right; in marketing, for example.
And that loud screaming does not always represent the real, the ‚silent‘ majority.
To boot, quality is really determined by intrinsic values or criteria, not outside ones. Always has. Always will be.
In some cases it can hurt to find yourself outside a group… but only until you start realizing that not all groups are desirable to be a member of, just because they seem to be large.
Values and measurements exist for things, and for people as well as their behaviour.
Should you be wondering on what to think about a person or some concepts, facts – or ‚screamers‘ – check values, the basic, fine values that make people and the community strong – and happy(ier).
That‘s a good starting point.
“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” The three wise monkeys are a concept, an idea, that stems from the Japanese culture. They are a proverbial idea of how to deal with bad or evil matters in human life. When you are raised on the idea that one should be truthful, that denial can be bad for you, you may be apt to wonder.
How is such an idea a good thing?
To my mind it’s two very important points to be considered here:
Words are powerful, they create images in our minds.
It’s not about denial – it’s about focus.
Images in our minds are powerful, as has been since established in scientific research too: They help us keep focus, they can drive our actions that way – and make us feel weak and insecure – or confident and strong.
One technique that also has been advocated for business negotiations and even marketing – is to ‘visualize‘:
Start using what you have learned in terms of ideas and words to actively make up the image of what you are aiming at.
Your next project, a higher level of health – or understanding, in short, some measure of self-awareness or efficacy different from before.
That’s why the idea of the three wise monkeys can help not only focus – they help us focus on all the things that make us strong, confident and positive about reaching the goal. Which does not necessarily mean wealth or power.
The community at large will benefit from such views:
From the idea that you will not listen to rumours which may be even false.
From the idea that you will not direct your gaze onto the bad or worse matters, not focus on the bad things.
From the idea that you yourself will not help either creating rumours or bad ideas – or spread those images.
Words are powerful, in all ways. That’s why focusing on the good is important.
Not because one would deny problems or difficulties or the downright evil – but because they can help to make it better, again.
